I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
