Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
