can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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