i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize