I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
