Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
