Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We need to get me chipped asap
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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