I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
