I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
