i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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