I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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