I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
