he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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