i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize