I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
