hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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