She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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