So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
my phone needs a breathalizer
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
