I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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