Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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