This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
