you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
