When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
