I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize