I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
