I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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