I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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