I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
