I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
