her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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