Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
