Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
