I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
