i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
