I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
