I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
