I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Enjoy the penises
Randomize
