3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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