Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize