if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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