I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
