If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize