I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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