For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Never underestimate the power of titties
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize