i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
