I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
