my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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