I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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