There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
