judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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