I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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