I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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