4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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