I am in a vortex of obligation.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
