He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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