If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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