Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
