as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
