I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
