Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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