His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
