i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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