New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
