Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
