I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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