things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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