im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
