fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
did i just pee glitter
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize