This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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