I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
you had me at cake vodka
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
